An honest look at myself

I noticed something about myself the other night, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  You see, every Saturday, I take my mother to Mass and then out to eat.  This week, my hubby and two daughters met us.  I noticed as we sat at the table, there was a lot of banter between the three of them and I actually found myself telling all THREE of them to settle down!  After countless sobering remarks from me, I took a quick look at myself and wondered where this was coming from.

Looking at my husband and two daughters sitting across from me at the table, laughing, hugging, making funny faces, sneaking food off each other's plates, I wondered why I was so serious.  I love to have a good laugh as much or more than anyone.  Why was I determined to be the stick in the mud?  I looked at them and glanced at Mom sitting next to me.

Then I came to this conclusion:  when I am with Mom and  tending to her needs, which in this case, included choosing something for her to eat and drink, I am honed into her body language and reaction to everything said and done around her.  She can begin to feel very left out and alone if she doesn't understand the topic of conversation, the private little jokes, the muttering, and she begins to shut down.  In an effort to avoid her impending downward spiral, I continually try to nip these things in the bud.  After some self-examination, I think that is where my head was and in my attempt to focus on my mother, I overlooked the special and sweet relationship my daughters have with their daddy.

I spoke with my husband after we returned home and told him why I believed I was so persistent in them "behaving" in the restaurant.  I apologized to him for not quite knowing how to balance my attention on mom's needs and enjoying my precious children's blooming personalities.  He was understanding and knows how protective I am about my mother.

The atmosphere surrounding that meal still haunts me and I continue to try to work through my thoughts and feelings.  I've only been introduced to dementia the last few years so I am a fairly new student in this realm.  I just hope I am a quick study concerning all areas.

With a smile and a happy heart,

Elle